Perks of Having a Baby

Scenes of yesteryear: Alexander, fifth member of the Beatles,
holding baby sis Eliot, hailing from a Peruvian flute band

In the words of Anne Lamott: "Having a baby is like getting the world's worst roommate, " but there are also many perks. Okay, full disclosure, not that many. But there are some perks. This is not an oxymoron or the title of a new science fiction series. You just need to recognize them as such.

1) For example, you get to discover what it feels like to be vomited on.
2) You're less fussy about food. Since you no longer have the energy to breathe, let alone cook, your dinner is now disgusting looking baby food that even the baby doesn't want to eat.
3) You realize the importance of the little things. In other words, baby wipes and goldfish crackers.
4) The sense of accomplishment you feel, the first time you get that darn romper with all the snaps on, is priceless. Even the baby might begrudgingly give you a look of admiration: "Okay, you did it. I'll give you that. But what about my diaper, smarty pants?"
5) You are truly in touch with your emotions. You now dread things you never thought you'd dread. "You don't understand, that was his favorite pacifier. He'll notice the difference."
6) Admiration for others. "He's not a baby. He's an evil genius."
7) That college class in semantics pays off. After the tenth time you wake up during the night, to put the pacifier back in his mouth you fully appreciate the expression: "Just shoot me now."
8) Watching Mary Poppins and The Aristocats is part of the job description. Toddlers are creatures of habit so choose wisely that first movie, lest you spend a year watching men dressed as bananas in pyjamas.
9) You get to gauge your index of resistance should you ever be captured by a terrorist cell. Sleep deprivation being one of the most common forms of torture.
10) And finally, you get to find out what's playing on TV at 4:00 am. Not much, unless you're interested in Alaskan crab fishing. Strangely addictive, at least for me.